Election season is upon us, and the Frothers turned up to Wakefield Park to face Guinnessius Jr with a squad that looked suspiciously like a coalition negotiation. Everyone had a portfolio, nobody was quite sure who was running the show, and the only certainty was that the Frothers would be claiming the result as a mandate. Rather than a Cabinet reveal, we’ll meet the candidates one at a time as the afternoon unfolds.

First Half

The big news in the team sheet was the return of Jude to the starting line-up. Playing the part of Paul Goldsmith, the senior National MP who is forever handed the thankless jobs nobody else wants, Jude was brought in to do the dirty work and sort out the mess, only to find himself not on the regular team sheet when it mattered. Steady, sensible and exactly who you want at the back, even if the party never quite puts his name first.

The Frothers kicked off with only ten men on the park. It was a minority government from the opening whistle.

Five minutes later, scrambling along the touchline came Lance. Lance was Chris Hipkins, the former Prime Minister and Labour leader, all hustle and bustle and ground covered, and a man whose best intentions have at times been the subject of some unfortunate headlines. Showing up late and out of breath was never going to slow him down, and the Frothers had their full complement.

From there the Frothers had the better of things, with a lot of the play and some mighty wins all over the park. Leading the charge in the middle was Charles, playing Winston Peters, the veteran who has been written off more times than anyone can count and keeps popping up as the kingmaker anyway. Nobody was entirely sure what Charles had actually done, but somehow he came out of every contest smelling of roses.

Nikolai’s Ben McNulty, cause just look at ‘im.

Josh is Kieran McAnulty, often confused for another member of the team, hardworking, and impossible not to love.

As the half went on, the Frothers started getting into the box with regularity, but couldn’t find the shooting boots. Passes were being chosen at inopportune moments, and the keeper wasn’t being troubled at all.

Sam and Dave are Chris Bishop and Nicola Willis, busy wearing blue to all the games, but not for much longer.

The clearest sign of it came when Vinh, introduced from the bench, blew one over from the edge of the box. Well over the top. Vinh was Qiulae Wong, the newcomer with a late arrival on the scene whom most people had been writing off. Plenty of promise, and a long way to go on the polling.

0-0

Second Half

Angus was done at halftime. Playing Paul Henry, he’d been there to cause a bit of chaos, and having done that he left. Campbell came on at left back in his place as Aperahama Edwards, a brand new Te Pāti Māori MP, just happy to be here, and by now very much finding his feet. It was another solid showing from him, more secure and more confident in a role he is really carving out for himself.

Over on the other side, Andy, playing Tim Costley, Mr Reliable and long wasted on the back benches, was finding his positioning at right back and making more incisive, effective cuts into play.

The big change came up front. Yarride came out of goal and went back up top, giving the Frothers another little injection of threat. Yarride was Hana-Rāwhiti Maipi-Clarke, the youngest MP in a very long time, who famously arrived in Parliament and promptly tore up the script. Young, fearless, and ready to be denied at the bottle-o.

The Frothers’ corners started mounting up. Eventually the pressure told. Yarride found the ball into the six-yard box, and the massive head of Chris nodded it home.

1-0

Chris was Christopher Luxon, the former airline boss turned Prime Minister, a big head in a big job, and a man firmly convinced the whole thing would run itself if he just turned up and looked prime ministerial. On this occasion the big head did exactly what it was elected to do.

Near the end, Evan came really close to making it two, only to be denied by a great save from the keeper. Evan was Chloe Swarbrick, the Green MP who just wants a better game for everyone, and who, as every opposition team knows, ends up living rent free in their heads. Not this time, but the keeper certainly won’t be sleeping easy.

A clean sheet and a win. The Frothers will be calling it a landslide, even if the margin was one.

Man of the Match

It has to be Chris. A clean sheet and the winning goal, all thanks to slapping that big bald head on everything in sight. Every cross, every clearance, every loose ball, every billboard.

Dick of the Day

Campbell, for getting stuck as the Whip and having to coordinate multiple parties. Unfortunately for him, they were kids’ birthday parties, and he spent the morning rounding up the numbers and getting everyone where they needed to be. It left him running late, and for a Whip, being late to the vote is the one thing you can’t do.